The last 12 months have really made me question my faith. In February of 2019, at the age of 54, I was diagnosed with Relapsing / Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. At the age of 55 I had my first relapse which slowly took away my ability to walk but I have gained that back for the most part.
I have never once asked God why he did this to me, but I have asked him what he wants me to do with it? Why he would do this to anyone? Why would a God make my family and friends suffer through this as well?
I decided a Good God wouldn’t. And I yelled at him and cussed at him and called him an a-hole. I stopped attending church and the church board meetings I was a member of - but I still kept yelling at God and calling him an a-hole.
During this time, my friends were looking out for me and caring for me - getting me to doctors appointments and taking me to physical therapy and I continued to yell at God. My bosses and colleagues at work continued to support me. An army of people were praying for me. And as I was still on the edge of abandoning my faith, I raised over $11,000 for MS in two weeks and I continued to call God an A-hole.
One of my best friends said, “I don’t want you to abandon your faith - but if you do, I will still love you” -and I continued to call God an A-Hole.
When my relapse reached its peak and my legs quit working, that was it - I was done with God and I told him so - and I called him an A-hole - repeatedly!
I was admitted to the hospital 3 times and I continued to talk to (yell at) God and call him an A-hole.
During my ten-night stay on the Celebrity wing of the Baylor, Scott and White Spa and Health Club (the hospital), I received top-notch care - the nurses would come in and visit with me, play cards and keep me company and I continued to talk to God and yell at God and call him an a-hole.
I received flowers, candy, cookies and cupcakes which I shared with the nurses and techs every time they came in my room. I received notes, phone calls, text messages from friends and family praying for my recovery while I was still yelling at God and calling him an A-Hole.
My friends and I had planned to go out of town the second weekend I was in the hospital. Obviously, I could not go, but while they were gone, my best friend had planned for someone to come sit with me each of the 5 days they were away so I would not be alone - each day was a surprise and it was FANTASTIC and I continued to yell at God and call him an A-Hole.
I talked to pastor Rachel - the most wonderful pastor in the universe - via emails and texts. One day she came to visit me in the hospital and just as I was about to tell her I was DONE with church and God, she said, “Andy, the fact that you are talking to God and yelling at him every day and calling him an a-hole tells me your faith is still there and you still have a relationship with God.” (She has this annoying habit of reeling me in).
Just as she said that, I thought of all the care I had received in and out of the hospital - my wonderful parents and friends who continually prayed for me - my friends who cared for me and made sure I got to all my appointments - the love I received via notes, texts, calls from everyone telling me if I needed anything to let them know.
And as I sit here typing my blog - as I sit here pain-free as a result of the treatment I received and the prayers people said for me, I realize #1 - I want my own tv show. And #2 - Pastor Rachel was right - I do have a relationship with God - albeit, a dysfunctional relationship - but I never abandoned my faith. However, I did ignore all of the things he was doing for me - the constant care from friends, family, doctors and nurses - support from work, my church and everyone.
My faith is there. I still have a relationship with God but I have been too angry to see all of the things he was doing for me.
Maybe I am the a-hole.
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